Saturday, July 30, 2011

Things I Never Said

Sometimes I wonder about my little corner of the world... I wonder how many sets of eyes come through and see what I have to say? It's weird, for a number of reasons.

I don't have nearly the traffic I used to have on MySpace. In fact, I had so much traffic there and there was such a hustle and bustle to "keep up" with the Blogosphere on there, I often had to find topics to write about. No such hurry here. It's just me and my one dedicated fan that I know is reading... but who are the rest of you?

I can't spend a lot of time worrying about the Unknown. How much concern can I give to those whom I do not know? Only so much.

Some are waiting to hear if I have anything to say about them. The irony of those people waiting for me to say something is that they constantly keep my name in their mouth, as if I am their standard by which they live, and I don't know why this is? Maybe I'm the one that being stupid by NOT writing about them? I mean, the one time I did write about their very public fight right in the middle of the street with their baby-mama, they act like I did something wrong. Truth be told, I wouldn't have even written about it had it not been for the fact that their antics made me have to babysit, that's actually what I was complaining about (hey, it's a blog, I'm allowed to be self-indulgent!), I don't write about them as a subject. Even now, I'm talking about them and not mentioning their name.

If I were this person, I probably wouldn't want anyone writing about me, either. Especially when I have a bad habit of letting my hands slip when I get into arguments with my girlfriends (plural). This is looking more and more like a pattern of behavior... I'm not perfect, my ex made it a point to let everybody know I grabbed her and did hurt her in the middle of a confrontation (she always leaves out the part about her breaking down a locked bathroom door between us, but whatever), and my fake friend made it a point to call me a "woman-beater" when we found out he was a cheater that sleeps with his friend's girlfriends behind their backs, but I will never allow myself to be pushed to that point again. You're not sorry if you keep doing it. Hell, they even said to me "Y'know, sometimes you have to smack 'em..." No, you never have to. If she makes you "have to", then you "have to" call the police on her and get her some damn help.

Topics like that would guarantee me some constant traffic, right? Well, if that's how I gotta get it, fuck traffic. Anyway, my point was, I wonder about the eyeballs that peruse? Who's out there?

I don't know that the present-day traffic is my concern, or even should be. One day I'm going to look back at certain events, and the one way I'll best be able to recall how I felt is to refer back to my blog. It's funny, the very few journals I still have from my youth give me such clarity on how I felt back then. I can see things through 17-year-old T. Jordan's eyes. Then there's a whole different rub...

Like right now, I'm wondering how we're going to make it through the next month because we have to pay the utility company another deposit of $500, meaning we had a single-month utility bill of $1000 (that's stupidly high), four times what it normally is. Not really something I want to come back and think about later... shit, not something I even want to talk about now.

Either way, I'm going to start loosening up the reins on this thing... I'm going to start naming names a little more, because that's what the fuck I do...

Don't want me to talk about you? Hide from me, keep it a secret, whatever, but I'm sick of feeling like the bad guy because people around me do slimy shit and are deathly afraid of being exposed. If it affects me, I have the right to talk about it. Even if it doesn't affect me, I can write about it... I'm just trying to lay down some parameters.

Truthfully, it doesn't matter. If they want me to be wrong, I'll be wrong. Here's where the problem comes in, though: you've done quite well not giving a fuck what anybody has to say about what you do, so now I'm going to play your way. I don't give a FUCK what you think about what I have to say, and that's that. Because I haven't mentioned anyone by name, they won't even comment on this, nary a mention will be made of this. But I'm about to start naming names, folks.

And it ain't about traffic...

-ere'bodee's favorite mega, blogninja